Not all Preemies were Created Equal

My husband and I were having a conversation the other day about whether or not therapy helps kids.  You can read so many postings on all sorts of sites about parents who feel that they spent too much time 'helping' their child and not enough just playing.

My husband is on the side of - it's not working, let's just let him be a kid.  I'm on the side of - hey, therapy gets him out, it's not a terrible experience, and I really do think it's working.  So, on this, we are a divided household.  I have to say, to the credit of the fabulous man I married, he is not preventing me from trying therapy.  On my part, I have finally promised that we'll start sitting down every two months to evaluate whether or not we're spending our money wisely (therapy can get expensive!).

It's hard to know what would have happened if you didn't do what you've already done - it's that path not taken thing.  You can't go see what life would've been like (well, unless you're James Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life).  I don't think we can look at our children and say to ourselves, "S/he would be in exactly the same spot without all that therapy!"

What I've observed so far is that there are at least two parts to this thing.  First, not all preemies were created equal.  And, second, are you actually doing the 'homework' the therapist gives you?

We met some fabulous people during Nathan's 4 1/2 month residence at the hospital.  Some of the kids were born just as early as Nathan, some a little later.  But, what we have observed as they're growing and developing (we still keep in touch), is that the kids aren't all developing at the same rate.  One of our friends' son, who was in the hospital almost the exact same amount of time as Nathan, is running around, talking, and really almost completely caught up to his full-term, typically developing peers.  Now, he didn't have as many surgeries as Nathan did, and, if I'm recalling correctly, he didn't have as many "mac daddy" confessions as Nathan did.  And, we have some other friends, whose daughter was born at the exact same gestation as Nathan and nearly the exact same weight.  She's doing better than Nathan in some areas and not as well in others.  She did have almost the exact same number of surgeries and she did have some "mac daddy" infections.

So, my learning?  Kids are going to develop at the rate that their bodies can.  Can we help them?  I think so.  What makes some kids go faster than others? I don't know, but the nurses and doctors told me time after time after time that the more surgeries and infections, the more delayed a child would be.  I didn't really get it until I started living it - and, until I started looking around and comparing development rates.

(Count Nathan's surgeries - 2 major life-threatening ones, 3 more minor.  Surgery=going under anesthesia and having a surgeon there :-) ).

So - to the parents who see kids who are the same age as theirs and didn't go to therapy but are at the same place developmentally, don't judge yourselves too quickly.  Do you know that child's medical history?  Do you know how much their parents did with them at home that was therapy-like?  Who knows.  Have fun with them NOW - don't berate yourselves over too much therapy.  We love our kids - who wouldn't want to help them in any way possible?

My second thought is about actually implementing the programs at home that your therapist tells you will help your child move along faster.  I'll confess right now - we haven't.  Here's what I think I see happening, though.  

This past Monday, our new OT told us to implement a 'brushing and joint compression' program at home to help Nathan with tactile aversion and with body awareness.  She actually showed us how easy it was.  I have to admit, the fact that Nathan actually likes it REALLY helps.  So, for the first time, we're actually doing what the therapist is telling us to do.  5 times a day, we're spending about 120 seconds to go through this program.   Do I see anything yet?  I'm not sure, I'm cautiously optimistic.  I think I can see Nathan becoming much more engaged and willing to engage new, different people - this is a big step.   I'll report back in a couple of weeks to let you know how we're doing.

Well, this is the FIRST time we've every actually listened to the therapist and been consistent about implementing what they ask us to do (I am ashamed, it's embarrassing - for me, it is just so emotional to take care of my little man - many times I'm emotionally exhausted just from the baggage of Nathan's 2 3/4 year history, and I just can't bear to do something else with him other than hugging and tickling and chasing).

Along the same lines, our speech therapist, asked us if we were implementing the programs (admittedly, more difficult) at home that she has asked us to do.  I told her we weren't, and she gave us an example of a boy who came to her 2 months ago not talking whose parents were doing the program consistently, and now he is talking.  (taking my own advice here, I have no idea what this child's medical history and diagnoses are - no judging and berating myself!).  Not looking at that path not taken and guilting myself about it, I am now realizing that I have to at least try this thing to see if it works.

Because of how important I can see that it is to do these 'programs' in order to make any kind of assessment of whether or not therapy is working.  I'm now committed to actually integrating this stuff into my life (I can't say I'm going into this joyfully - I'll have to ask for God's help with that one!).  Seriously, though.  I'm paying these people a ton for their expertise, I can't claim therapy doesn't work (or let my husband claim that) if we haven't actually been doing the therapy programs at home! 

My learning there?  Well, if you're going to do the therapy thing, don't drop it and say it doesn't work if you haven't REALLY tried it.  Going to a gym or playroom or office (whatever they call them at your place) once a week and going through the motions of therapy is NOT enough.  Our therapists tell us that doing things on a daily basis is important, that the therapy session is really just for us to see how to do things at home and to do a few special things that we don't have the equipment to do.  So, because going more often than once a week really becomes financially prohibitive for us - we're going to try out these homework assignments!

I'll post on the brushing and joint compression programs tomorrow - this is getting too long!

Happy playing and and making your therapy play-like!